it's not me, it's them

i came across this article today, in light of all the elliot rodger stuff, and it made me feel like i should probably share my worst moments with some of the dudes i've been involved with over the years.

although something happened to me yesterday that warranted a blog post just revolving around one dude in particular, i'm going to expand to include a few more to shed some light on how it sucks to be a nice girl in the dating world. hold onto your hats! (or keyboards, or phones, or whatever.. this is gonna be a wild ride.)

1) i once dated a dude for a little over a summer who thought the world was going to end in 2012, didn't believe in climate change (something that i was extremely passionate about, come on), and was convinced that his dad who passed away was a ghost in his parents' bedroom, where he would greet the ghost every time he walked by his parents' bedroom. i put up with all of these quirky characteristics because, at the time, i didn't know how to date. as time wore on, he had all of these ideas that we were going to be together forever and travel the world. he was mid to late twenties with a going nowhere job and i was early twenties just trying to get my BA. i broke up with him a few months before i left for new zealand, citing that i was leaving and wasn't sure when i would be back (an outright lie, i knew exactly when i was returning) and he didn't take it well. years later, he dates a girl who i used to work with. whenever we worked together, people mistakenly thought we were the same person.

2) i went on a date with a friend of  a friend during my first month in the city. i had met him at a party and thought he was mildly attractive, so i decided to give him my number. we went out for drinks and i'm not sure i said more than four words the entire night. this is when i realized that i can't stand dudes who over talk me or interrupt me when i'm speaking. we ended up at a friend's event near my place and go back to my place for some reason, probably to play games because he was super nerdy. but he took the "let's play games" as a "let's makeout" and after 5 minutes of super awkward making out, i said i was tired and kicked him out.

over the next few months, i'd get weekly calls and texts from him to hang out. rarely, i would respond. one day, he propositioned to take me to a show i really wanted to see but was too god damned expensive. he had tickets already and offered them up to me for free. i declined. "free" means "sex" and buddy, that wasn't going to happen. eventually, he stopped texting me but would facebook me on occasion until i removed him from facebook also. i run into him a couple times a year at mutual friends' events and he still says that he wants to hang out and catch up. take a hint.

3) i get a message on plenty of fish from a dude that looks oddly familiar. oh, it's that dude that dated one of my friends in high school for a little while. you moved up the street from me? cool. let's hang as i'm 99% sure we're just gonna hang as friends and i wouldn't have touched you even if you hadn't dated one of my friends before. the entire night feels like two long lost friends catching up. he offers to go back to his place and play games. seriously. is this where i go wrong? I JUST WANT TO PLAY GAMES. he makes a move on me and i push him away. he tells me i clearly wanted it because of what i'm wearing. i'm wearing knee-length jean shorts and a v-neck. yes. i wanted you based off what i'm wearing. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

4) i used to frequent a radio chat at my old job. a bunch of folks known as regulars at various offices downtown toronto would talk about music, politics, food, beer, whatever, and it became my solace at my job. somehow, i get to talking to a new dude and exchange emails. the same day, i pass along my number to him. i'm still at work. within the two hours from my last hour of work until the time i got home, he had texted me over ten times. i responded a couple of times when i got home only to get more replies about things i didn't care about. not this again. i stop responding. the next day, i get about thirty text messages from him. i don't respond at all. the following day, he texts me another four times before i text back asking, "who is this?" and he responds with who he is and how we know each other. i respond back with "no, i don't know anyone named that, i just got this number" and i never hear from him again until a few days later when he emails me asking what happened to me. in true fashion, i didn't respond. this thing called silence? it means "no". 

5) a dude messages me on plenty of fish in early january and identifies himself to me as a recruiter after several messages back and forth. as i had just come back from a stint of being horribly sick, was still undergoing testing, and was still unemployed, i decided to give this dude a chance at helping me find a job and maybe a friendship. after what seemed like way too many emails and me in a constant flaking mood since i was still feeling terrible all the time, i finally gave up my number. we met once for coffee and to discuss my resume. similar to dude #2 above, i probably got in about four words the entire night. i was not attracted and didn't think i could even have a friendship with this dude. but he WAS a recruiter, so maybe he could find me a job.

every day, he would send me job postings and links to job things i should know. he fixed my resume and kept asking for feedback. every other day, he would text me and ask to hang out. slow down, dude. i'm just coming back from the brink of almost dying a few months ago - i told you this - maybe you should, i don't know, back off a little. i'd respond, about weekly, to his emails regarding my job search. i would never respond to his texts. when i received a job offer and started my job without the help of him, i told him i got a job and he offered to take me out for a beer to celebrate. ugh, okay. fine. we met up again for a beer and while he rambled on about things i didn't care about, i quickly finished my couple of beers (because he had ordered another one for me without even asking if i had wanted another one) and got out of there as fast as i could. the next day, he texts asking to go see a movie. i tell him no. a few days later, he texts again asking to get a drink. i don't respond. every week from then on, he texts me at least twice a week asking to hang out. i never respond. then, one day, he gets the nerve to call me. while i'm at work. i don't talk to people on the phone unless they're good friends or relatives. i actually feel like this when i get a phone call. when i don't answer, he sends me a text and asks if i'm getting his texts because he hasn't heard from me. this goes on for what seems like MONTHS until one day, i tell him to stop messaging me, and he FINALLY does.

earlier this week, i log into my linkedin for the first time in a long time and notice that he was one of the people who had viewed my profile. fuck. i still have him on linkedin. i remove him immediately. yesterday, i get an email from him asking if i want to get a drink. i respond that i'm not interested and for him to stop messaging me. he says that i should stop looking at his linkedin profile. i tell him i had to because that's how you remove people from your linkedin. he replies and starts an email argument with me, saying that i'm "not a nice person". uhhh. i forgot to mention that this dude is a rob ford supporter - so i probably should've stopped the conversation right then and there, but i played on.

i told him that it was cool that he thought i wasn't a nice person because i didn't want to hang out with him. he told me that i'm "weird and unkempt" - that he was "more excited about my profession than i am" and the list went on. sorry. i'm weird? let's put things into perspective here. not once did i ever request to hang out with him. not once was i ever flirty or out of line in any of the maybe six phrases i said in the times we hung out.

of course, this was the most complete bullshit defense tactic in rejection - taking stabs at the other person's appearance and demeanor, even though it was him who kept making remarks about my "hot body" and how he liked that i dressed "casual". and because i wasn't going to take this bullshit, i responded:

"Cool story bro. You think I'm weird and unkempt? You love to make no sense. You don't know how to take "no" for an answer. You don't know how to take silence as a no. You don't know anything about keeping distance or realizing that you aren't liked by someone. And THAT part makes sense, considering you're a Ford supporter. You're the one who constantly badgered me to hang out or talk when I was clearly NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT. Not of a friendship. Not of dating. Not even really of you trying to find me a job, which you failed at anyway. You're going to play the defensive card and call me out on being weird? I have news for you buddy, maybe take a step back and analyze how people perceive you and how terrible of a person you really are." 

he replied back, calling me psycho and that i should go watch some cartoons. my only response was: "you're a child. grow the fuck up." 

HE RESPONDS BACK TWICE.

i didn't respond to either of them. they weren't worth my time.

so yes, in these cases, it's totally not me; it's them.